301-Dating Reality Check – Ladies First

I’ve called this post “Dating Reality Check”, which is what most people need every now and then. I know how easy it is to get into a groove and go with the flow; inertia. It’s a comfortable, low stress way of sailing through life, but if you’re looking to challenge yourself and make a change, it is deadly. This is true for all things in life, but in this little corner of cyberspace, we’re going to focus on soulmate searching. If you’re not seriously interested in settling down with someone special and are happy gliding through the carefree safari of singledom, then you should stop reading now and watch some HBO, take a walk in the park, or head to your local bar and fantasize about meeting that hotty at the next table.
Dating Reality CheckWARNING: the rest of this blog might make you feel uncomfortable, angry, disillusioned, or depressed, so continue reading at your own risk. I’m going to primarily speak to the ladies today, but the guys are welcome to read along. Whenever I speak with ladies I hear the same thing: there are no good guys out there. They, of course, are doing everything right, everything they should be doing, so they can’t understand why the occasional knights in shinning armor that they are interested in don’t seem to be interested in them. A woman recently called me to schedule a session. She told me she was 42, attractive, personable, and she knew she was doing everything right, so she didn’t understand why she couldn’t find Mr. Right? She canceled the day before the session, so maybe she figured things out or maybe she met Mr. Right. More likely, she decided that she really was doing everything right and was confident enough to continue doing what she’s been doing for the last ten years without making any changes. See you in another ten years.

Ok, here’s where the reality check begins. Ladies, there are three major criteria that men will use to evaluate you: Looks, age, and personality (in that order). Of course, there are always exception, but I’m giving you the rule. It doesn’t matter how brilliant or hilarious you are; personality comes last. Obviously personality and character take on tremendous importance once you’re in a relationship, but in order to get into that relationship, they are of minor significance.

Let’s assume that you’re an attractive woman. Many of the women I meet with are. That means you’ve got it made right? Not so fast. Do you know where your knights in shinning armor spend their time? If they’re fit (the kind of guy you’re looking for, right) then they’re spending time jogging in Central Park (or Santa Monica beach, you fill in the name), biking down Riverside, or pumping iron at the gym. Have you been to these places lately? Well I have and I can report that they are filled with really attractive, super fit, women wearing tight shorts and extremely revealing tank tops. The gals sunbathing on the grass all along the route are wearing bikinis, and look like Baywatch extras.

Those hardworking, ambitious, professional guys that are on top of your list are working in offices and buildings populated by legions of fit, attractive, confident, and put together professional ladies in stylish tight fitting suits, dressed for success. Ladies, these are the women you are competing against. More accurately you are competing with the images of these women. These images are seared into the minds of the guys that see them day after day, and they are what these guys will be comparing you to. Heck, they’ll even be comparing you to the actresses and models they see in movies and on TV. It doesn’t matter if these guys are in fantasy land; to them, and therefore to you, it’s reality.

So, maybe you are attractive enough to compete. You might very well be, but there’s another factor you need to take into account. Most of those bikini wearing, aerobics practicing, aspiring models are about ten years younger than you. This brings us to criteria number two: age.

It doesn’t matter how many therapists, counselors, rabbis, and parents tell you that age doesn’t matter and should not be a factor in choosing a mate. The fact is that it does matter, mostly to guys in their thirties and older. It actually also matters to many women, but not in the same way. I’m not going to debate the reality of this issue, and frankly, it is irrelevant. What matters is the reality of what the average guy out there is thinking, and that reality is that guys are looking for gals who are younger than them. Sometimes much younger. This is a fact, so please ladies, don’t try to prove me wrong with a random example or two. The sooner you accept this reality, the sooner you will be able to formulate a strategy to deal with it.

Now that your all upset, angry, and totally disgusted with me and this blog, let’s talk about solutions. First, looks. There are things about our appearance that we are stuck with and things we can change, if we choose to. We can all exercise, cut out the junk food, eat healthy, dress well, and make sure we’re always well groomed. I can’t even tell you how many gals I’ve seen over the last two decades on the UWS that started exercising and eating better and soon after found their soulmates. Coincidence, I think not. Try it out, and see what happens. At the very least, you’ll feel better and healthier, and you’ll be less stressed and more confident. Guys like that.

Next time well talk more about the age thing, and then personality. For all you guys reading this, don’t get all smug. I’ll deal with you after I’m done with the ladies, and it won’t be pretty. In the meantime, try to get comfortable with the fact that you won’t be marrying any of those models, cheerleaders, or aerobics instructors and start focusing on the real life ladies that are right in front of your eyes.

Click here to learn about Jcoach Image Consultant Danielle Devorah and her rates, and to set up an appointment and get your special Jcoach discounted rate.

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7 replies
  1. Charity
    Charity says:

    This is really true.Thank you for sharing.So many of us just don’t take the needed time on our appearance.We also miss good chances looking for Mr Perfect when we probably don’t need someone completely perfect because we arent!

    Reply
  2. Judah
    Judah says:

    I think we all agree, that for men, appearance (call it externals, if you wish) is a top category of consideration. We may not equally agree if it occupies the number one spot – Arnie is convinced it does – but if there’s no perceived match in that area, then a woman’s other qualities won’t get a chance to impress a potential mate.

    But I’ve always felt that women in general – too many of them – over imagine the male emphasis on physical beauty. Their impressions often don’t reflect the actual reality and misrepresent the male mind. This may result in their feeling inadequate or unattractive at times, and comparing oneself to others – friends, acquaintances, or those who appear in the public eye – though a natural activity, is an unhealthy measuring gauge when used pervasively. Women (and sometimes men) can overplay just how good they think they need to look to the other gender.

    This is not an excuse to make minimal effort. Looking one’s best is prudent – especially if shopping for a spouse (and it should continue throughout the marriage years), but not all guys need the exact size that women believe is a solid requisite. Features too can be a matter of personal preference (based on a myriad of variables). And a smile (which is easier to adopt than other life-altering changes) is worth gold for many a guy, including this one.

    Reply
  3. RabbiArnie
    RabbiArnie says:

    I agree with you, Janice. I even wrote that personality and character become incredibly important within a relationship, but like you pointed out, the initial interest is generated through physical attraction. You need to “get in the door” first.
    Your observation about sharing common values in a relationship is right n the money.
    Thanks!
    Arnie

    Reply
  4. Dr. Janice
    Dr. Janice says:

    Interesting post, Arnie. I applaud you for sharing your perspective and encouraging singles to get real in order to find love.

    In your attempt to wake up women to “reality,” I’m afraid that you painted a very negative and superficial portrait of men. I think you do men a disservice by characterizing them as being SO focused on women’s external looks. While I acknowledge that men will be initially interested in a woman’s attractiveness, it basically serves as an invitation for a man to want to get to know a woman better. . . meaning = on the inside.

    Also, a man who is working out or doing something representing his investment in being healthy would most likely be interested in a woman who shares that interest. So I suggest that if a woman wants a guy who’s in shape, then she should look at herself and see if she’s qualified for such a guy. Sharing values is essential in creating a long term relationship, but only if both parties have the value to begin with.Dr. Janice
    DoctorLoveCoach.com

    Reply
  5. Tom
    Tom says:

    Nice Job Arnie…

    The common denominator should be Shomar Shabbat, Worldly & Wonderful – excited about entering into a deep conversation for a lifetime…And then the clean cut fitness & fun begins, but let’s stop the Lashon Hara and start harmonizing.

    Reply

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