301-Question About How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work

I recently received this question on my post 5 Requirements for a Successful Long Distance Relationship:
Suppose you meet someone from NY, but you live in California. Do you believe in living together before marriage? If not, then indeed, given the distance, now can you determine true compatibility? How do you recommend dealing with the inequity to the one who must move, find a new job and relocate? There is a huge risk in case it doesn’t work. Does that put too much pressure on the relationship?

Anyway you look at it, long distance relationships are difficult even under the best of circumstances. That’s why I don’t recommend getting involved in one unless your prepared to make a major move. But with online dating and social media, meeting someone who lives out of your geographic location is too easy to ignore, and recognizing how difficult it is for many people to find their mates locally, getting involved in a long distance relationship is often the best option. That doesn’t make it any easier. By it’s nature, a long distance relationship will require sacrifice. There’s just no way around it. Someone is eventually going to have to move.

Regarding living together I actually dedicated an entire chapter in my book to that and my answer is no, I don’t believe it’s necessary or beneficial to future marital happiness. You can rent your own place for a while to see how things go when you’re both living independently in the same city. But before you take that major step, you should spend significant blocks of time on each other’s home turf to test the waters. Consider taking a few weeks off from work, either as vacation or unpaid leave, and get a short term rental to test the waters. Your partner should do the same. That will give you a much better feel for how your relationship is under “normal” conditions.

If you’ve already spent time on each other’s turf and feel ready to make the big commitment you’ll need to seriously discuss the logistics of who will be the one to move. At this point you will be in love with each other. If you’re not, then you either need more time to get to know each other or you need to break up. If you’re in love then you should want the best for the other person (and vice versa). You need to take into account career, family, and financial goals. Who has the better job? Who has the better potential to support a family? If you plan to have children, which of you will stay home with the kids (I know people get nannies, but I’m old fashioned and believe there are huge benefits when an actual parent is home with the kids)?

Giving up a job, especially in today’s economy, is a huge decision that shouldn’t be taken lightly. But it’s a decision that will have to be made if you feel your relationship is the real thing. There’s no question that it can put tremendous pressure on the relationship or on a marriage. That’s where love comes in. If you love your partner and want to build a life together, then you’ll make things work. If you don’t feel like you’re at that point yet, then you should give yourself more time before making the move.

The bottom line is that there’s no easy, risk-free answer other than not getting involved in a long distance relationship. But it’s too late for that. You’re already involved. Now you need to do the right thing. Take it slow, step by step. When you’re truly in love, make the tough decisions together, hold on, and jump!
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