Post Simchas Torah Reflections on Dating and Relationships

The biggest annual singles weekend for observant Jews — Simchas Torah on the Upper West Side of Manhattan — is over. A few thousand singles shmoozed, flirted, ate, and partied (and probably other stuff which will remain undisclosed). If you read my 4 Tips to Finding Your Mate This Simchas Torah, maybe you’ve come out of the weekend with a number or two or the promise of a date. But what if you didn’t? What if you went into the weekend hoping and praying to meet the “right one” and came up empty handed? Sure you flirted a bit, tried to meet some new people, and had a nice time catching up with old friends. But did you actually meet someone to date? Hmm.

Well, you’ve been there before and there’s nothing to worry about. You just had some bad luck. All the guys were jerks and losers, just looking for a good time fling, too scared to commit. The girls were either not cute enough or too stuck up to get anywhere with. What could you do?

Well, maybe everything you’re thinking is true. But maybe, just maybe, there’s another reason why you’re still alone? Is it possible? There were hundreds of potential candidates for the title of Your Spouse, but not a single one will be meeting you for dinner or drinks. Could it be that you are doing something wrong?

I know, I know it’s not you. It can’t be. You’re doing everything right. Well, here are some possible things that you might be doing wrong:

1. You might be looking for someone who is not looking for someone like you. It’s your right to try, but if your aspiration is to hunt deer in the Rockies and your dream girl’s is to sip cocktails on the Riviera, you are setting yourself up for major frustration and disappointment. If you need more explanation, read this old post.
SOLUTION: Focus on finding someone who will appreciate YOU for who you are and want to be.

2. Your expectations might be wildly inflated and unrealistic. You’re looking for perfection instead of dating for marriage.

3. You judge whether someone is a potential date in about 10 seconds, which might not be enough time to get a true picture of who they are. That means you’re probably passing up some good potentials.

4. There are so many potential mates out there that you just can’t commit to any single one, so you end up with none. Too many choices.

5. You need to get your act together (in whatever way that applies to your personal situation) in order to project stability and reliability to a potential mate.

6. You need to improve your appearance to make sure you are always looking your best.

7. You need to make a better first impression.

I’ve written about many of these points and how to increase your odds of dating success. The first step that you must take is to admit to yourself that you might need to make a change. This is the hardest step to take but once you do, you will be closer than you think to finding your mate.

Simchas Torah’s over. What are you waiting for?

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